.i left myself open.

i constantly tell myself to be careful with my heart. im sensitive. like regardless of what you see, what you believe, how "strong" i seem to be... im sensitive. especially when it comes to love. when i love, i love hard. sometimes its too much, sometimes its not enough. it always depends on the girl. this go round i shouldn't have loved at all. i should have stayed heartless like i have been. i keep saying how i wanna settle down. settling down is nothing but a dream. as much as i hate to say it, fucking this girl, that girl, her... her too, they best friend, plus them seems to be the best way to go. true love doesn't exist at this moment. it is what is non existent.

i feel like i put my heart on the table and lit it on fire and jz walked by it as it burned.

i was sick most of the night and every time i think about her, the tears just start falling. funny how i go from feeling like superman to the homeless nigga on the corner. i walked into it. i fell for somebody that i thought was ready. somebody that told me i wasn't serious about her & i fought soooo hard just to get her back for 2 weeks just for her tell me that she's not ready. she told me she was gonna hurt me, she was no good for me & she was gonna break my heart. a hard head makes a soft ass. we agreed we would start talkin (i.e the update of 'talking to 1. conversing with a few.')

[hold up... real time update... this is why i don't deal with my ex wife (no this blog ain't about her i just got off the phone wit her dumb ass.) if i aint up her ass then she got a problem. i don't want you no more you abusive muthafuck! jeez get the picture? or do i need to take another one?]

anyway... we agreed we would start talkin. take it slow. and then shit just got weird. i would text, no reply. if she did reply the conversation was short. 2 or 3 words, 2 or 3 texts. so i decided to ask... "am i really wasting my time?" you really shouldn't ask questions you don't want the answer to, but i'd rather know than stick around believing something could happen. and it just went into a snowball effect. as im texting her back, my vision is gettin cloudy and im wondering why my screen is wet. low and fucking behold im crying. Seriously Cru? dis ain't you nigga. last time i caught myself crying over a female it was cold, raining, december 2009, and i had a ring in my pocket i didnt have the nerve to pull out.

so clearly i was hurt. i couldnt breathe and i just kept reading the texts over and over again and its like my fingers wouldn't stop asking questions and pressing send. and my world just shattered. i could tell she was trying to make me feel okay about the situation but when u truly love somebody theres no way you can feel okay about losing them. so i turned my phone off and cried myself to sleep. woke up to swollen eyes and questions. i dont wanna answer any questions ppl. if u don't understand it from this blog then u not gon grasp the concept. i was hella sick last night and i just could not understand how i was broken down to this level. seriously like what the fuck is wrong with me.

im heartbroken.

truly heartbroken.

im continuously making the same mistake. falling for the wrong girl. listening to my heart instead of my head. doing what i feel instead of what i know.

i don't wanna fall in love again. i don't wanna love anybody anymore. i don't wanna feel this pain. i don't wanna cry anymore. i don't wanna meet anyone else. i don't wanna talk about it anymore. i just wanna pick myself up and go. just disappear and be a figment of everyones imagination. just look at it like i was never here. i just wanna feel numb. i don't want to hurt anybody. i dont want anybody to have feelings for me. i don't want to be loved.

God just stop the tears.