.struck.

*clears throat*

'scuse me for being a hopeless romantic...

but can i dance wit u under the stars?

lets take a minute to pretend this night sky is ours

forget the world baby girl...

live with me in this moment

im hopin this will relax your mind...

unwind and let me cater to you

allow me to treat you like a queen

and show u you more than just "my boo"

to whom it may concern:

this angel's thoughts will be focused on me & this QT we spendin

did i mention she has all of my attention?

sunshine to these dark days

i pray this sunshine is here to stay

came thru like "Calgon" and took me away

middle of november...

but got me feelin like its may

sorry if i went astray

its just this Gemini mind has met its equal

mirror image

i see me in her

good or bad she accepts my past

flaws and all.

- Yungin. ((.f.l.h.))

.fall nights.

take my hand and follow me

lets relax and enjoy each other's company

take flight.

i got tickets for these skies

lets take a ride on some paper planes

destination: a relaxed mind frame

see...

this ain't about sex or tryna cop a feel

all i really want is to feel something real

make me believe in this chemistry we've created

make me smile till all the bad shit becomes faded

if im attention, be my center

you're the only one i want to focus on

i wanna make u feel so right...

its gotta be wrong

- Yungin. ((.f.l.h.))

.lets go crazy.

[somebody drop the organs]

*Prince voice*

dearly beloved...

we are gathered here today to get through this thing called...

L O V E

'⁴Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. ⁸Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.' 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

[lawd Crusay dun opened up with Prince & a scripture]

Love is a feeling... an emotion... It is something that can't be confused once you've truly loved someone. Love is when someone touches your soul. You get that feeling of 'i can't live without you'. J. Holiday had this song 'Suffocate' that I became infatuated with for a minute. Yall remember those lyrics? 'I can't breathe when you talk to me/I can't breathe when you're touching me/I suffocate when you're away from me/so much love you take from me/I'm going out of my mind' That was real talk to me. I look at love to be something that should be unconditional. Regardless of what you do, how mad you get, how much time yall spend split up, when you love someone, LOVE THEM. Im not saying play the fool. Don't stay with somebody that is going to continuously hurt you. You know when someone is worth loving.

Let me put something into perspective right quick. The girl I love (and am in love with right now) is amazing. We gon reference her as Renee (not the former Dirty Girl guys... don't start no shit) We goin thru our issues right now. Fuck, for all i know she and I may NEVER be together, but i still love her. See she expected me to say 'I love you' and then take it back after we got to arguin. Sorry not that type of nigga. When i love, i love hard (ask Apollonia -- nah don't das a WHOOOOOLE 'nother argument. i LITERALLY ran when I first told her i loved her). Like when i get around Renee... i miss her even though she's in my arms. Like when i walk up behind her (i can hear her now... warn me before you walk up on me Crusay. I gotta prepare my body lmfao) and put my arms around her, my heart jz starts racin... my hands still get sweaty around her. i still gotta give myself a pep talk before i see her. its always the '*sigh* arright nigga... u good? u need some gum? get you some gum nigga. what you gon say to her? man i bet she look good! where ya carmex? try to actually look at her today mayne. wipe ya hands on ya shorts nigga we sweatin. you need a towel? bring a towel next time. stop shakin u gon look like a lil bitch...' like i realized i loved her i the middle of sex. Awkward right? Like im takin her home goin... 'um scuse you nigga... u do know that was just sex right? you better man the fuck up!' i tried. then emotions jz got caught up. she told me i was playin games and i was fightin sooooo hard to keep her around but not let my feelings show. Dumb idea Crusay! Like I love her so much that she asked for her space and I gave it to her WITHOUT fucking with another female. Girls text me, they call, they just friends tho. I mean, since she and I have started talking she's the only girl i've kissed, slept with... anything. Girls throw the pussy at me BUT i don't do it. I don't even think about messin with another girl. For what? the best is in front of me. (yes... Pow Pow). But it's not the sex that made me love her... it was HER that made me love her. If we never had sex again... nah wait don't get me lyin lol. but if she said 'babe no sex until we figure things out' (like she's done now) i'd be cool. (i ain't gon lie... nights get a little lonely. lmao. yall saw dat last blog. mmmhmmm) but i love her. i love who she is, i love who she's becoming, i love who she's been, i love how hardheaded she is, i love her smile, her brown eyes, what she stands for, how she kisses me, how perfectly she fits in my arms, the look she gets when she's mad (sexy) i love HER. I hate the arguments, i hate that she likes to hang up in ppls faces, i hate that she jz walks off when a nigga is NOT done talkin, i hate how she assumes shit and then will say 'thats fine' (yall gotta understand how she says it. makes me wanna throw something) but i love her. What i have for her is truly unconditional love. I've weighed my pros vs. my cons with her and realized she is worth loving. Sure she might break my heart but u run that risk with anybody you love. i mean, look at those in a relationship right now, who's to say ya girl ain't gon wake up tomorrow morning and start fuckin wit niggas or tell you she pregnant or say 'oh by the way, lemme introduce you to my real wife'. thats the risk you run with love, but when u have that one... it's worth the risk and at the end of it all, you take the experience as a lesson. don't be spiteful, don't hate them... love em with the love of Christ. My ex wife beat my ass... i'd never go back to her, but i love her with the love of Christ. *kanye shrug* what can u do?

at the end of it all, love is a crazy thing. it has its ups, its downs, ins & outs... it hurts, but it's beautiful.

randomness jz came to my head: 'love is like skydiving. you take that leap of faith when you tell someone you love them, and just pray that parachute opens when u pull the string.'

Leave a comment here, on twitter, facebook, downelink, my cell... whatever. im off to watch Purple Rain.

- Yungin. ((.f.l.h.))

.dark dancin.

[coulda swore i already had one named this... lol dem drugs man]

the first time i tasted her lips, she sent my mind on a spin. under the black light, fingers intertwined... she left me breathless as i led her to my bedroom. this wasn't an ordinary dance. it was evident that this was about to be something different. i had the urge to do things to her that i would only do to the woman i would marry. i felt the need to give her my best, my all, everything. i knew it was only sex, but she was different. the things she made me feel with her tongue was indescribable. nobody had ever kissed me so... passionate... so deep. you would swear she was mine. she placed her hand on one side of my neck and put her thumb on my throat to tilt my head back and proceeded to run the tip of her tongue from my neck to my ear (sorry i just caught chills. #blessthatwunnafulnameofJESUS that turns me on!). the seduction from her eyes screamed 'do what you want' and i did just that. i let the vibes from her body lead me so i could take her from the ground to the sky... to a place of ecstasy that she wouldn't want to come down from. what had gotten into me? what was it about this woman that i barely even knew that made me crave more of her as she came over and over again in my mouth... on my fingers... on my sheets... the harder she came, the more i wanted. i swear if i was a man she definitely woulda got pregnant that night. as she was on top of me our eyes connected and i realized this wasn't going to be the last time i would see her like this. the sounds she made i heard in my head for weeks. the lovers i had after that 1st time can't compare to her. the emotions that this one night gave me were confusing.

after the months and months of disconnect and wondering where she was, what she was doing, who she was with, who was she fucking... she appeared out of thin air. it was almost as if i was dreaming.

then i found us in the same position again...

and again...

my my my how you've grown.

so nasty... so x rated... so uninhibited

the body conversations we had with each other made me wonder why i had settled for anything less than the best after her. echoes of her praises of me being the best at pleasing her body continued on in my head for the longest. the way she called out how nobody could do her like i could would have usually been an ego booster, but i knew there was truth to this. she had me caught up. her body was my secret place... my escape... the only way i could release my feelings to her without shame, embarrassment, being scared, or being rejected. i got lost in her beyond contact. i caught my Gemini mind asking 'what are we doing? where are we? why are we so deep into her? (you can take that one how you'd like)' the shit drove me crazy. my mind frame wasn't safe. i felt like i was in a euphoric state as if she had become a drug. this wasn't just sex. how did i fall into this position? what had she done to capture me? she gave me her body in a way that i could read everything she was feeling. the connection was stronger than magnets. the things her body told me was more explanatory than any word that has ever come out of her mouth.

- Yungin. ((.f.l.h.))

I HATE THE SHIT YOU DO!

i was coo...

i had been thinkin bout her

but coolin the fuck out

until i got on downelink

and seen her smilin and all happy

#nshit

lookin sexy

#nshit

and her shxt says "in a relationship"

#nshit

now

im not gonna jump to conclusions

when you assume you make an ass out of you

i know what she told me

she ain't ready

so ima take it as a cover up

Jesus let it be a cover up

it don't matter

im not supposed to care

but i do

mayne brah

i hate the shit you do

i hate the shit you do

i hate the shit you do

i hate the shit you do

I

HATE

THE

SHIT

YOU

DO

you make me want to never:

talk to another virgo

talk to another black chick

talk to another girl with those brown eyes

talk to another chick from dallas

talk to another chick from oakcliff

talk to another girl with your name

cuz she wont be you

see

dis dat bullshit

yo im so pissed at myself right now

the shit is unbe-fucking-lievable

i wanna be in your life so bad

fuck im jz tryna take what i could get

lol

i must like gettin burned by this damn fire yo

i swear you could call me at 4 in the morning

bet i'll still answer

anybody else

ima watch that shit ring

i hate when your name comes across my screen

i hate when i hear "i think i love her" by gucci mane

the 1st lines are all you

"she a bitch shawty mean as shit and she super thick"

aint dat some shit

i hate that i prepared myself to be with you

no i don't

wanna know why?

because i prepared myself for you when you come back

when u finally say "Cru, im ready for you."

im still like "Cru, maybe its meant to be"

dis nigga dreamin and shit

smh @ myself

i just wanna smile again yo

i just wanna get to the bottom of your emotions

i want you to stop running and break it down

i feel like im so in the dark

im bout to start a fire and light this bitch up

im tryna see dammit

man i shoulda known better

i shoulda slowed it down

i hate the shit you do yo

but i'll still have feelings for you

you'll always have a piece of me

this dat bullshit Crusay.

- Yungin. ((.f.l.h.))

i jz wanna do what i did last time u dipped out:

take blunts to the face until i forget what day it is.

this dat bullshit Crusay...

.i left myself open.

i constantly tell myself to be careful with my heart. im sensitive. like regardless of what you see, what you believe, how "strong" i seem to be... im sensitive. especially when it comes to love. when i love, i love hard. sometimes its too much, sometimes its not enough. it always depends on the girl. this go round i shouldn't have loved at all. i should have stayed heartless like i have been. i keep saying how i wanna settle down. settling down is nothing but a dream. as much as i hate to say it, fucking this girl, that girl, her... her too, they best friend, plus them seems to be the best way to go. true love doesn't exist at this moment. it is what is non existent.

i feel like i put my heart on the table and lit it on fire and jz walked by it as it burned.

i was sick most of the night and every time i think about her, the tears just start falling. funny how i go from feeling like superman to the homeless nigga on the corner. i walked into it. i fell for somebody that i thought was ready. somebody that told me i wasn't serious about her & i fought soooo hard just to get her back for 2 weeks just for her tell me that she's not ready. she told me she was gonna hurt me, she was no good for me & she was gonna break my heart. a hard head makes a soft ass. we agreed we would start talkin (i.e the update of 'talking to 1. conversing with a few.')

[hold up... real time update... this is why i don't deal with my ex wife (no this blog ain't about her i just got off the phone wit her dumb ass.) if i aint up her ass then she got a problem. i don't want you no more you abusive muthafuck! jeez get the picture? or do i need to take another one?]

anyway... we agreed we would start talkin. take it slow. and then shit just got weird. i would text, no reply. if she did reply the conversation was short. 2 or 3 words, 2 or 3 texts. so i decided to ask... "am i really wasting my time?" you really shouldn't ask questions you don't want the answer to, but i'd rather know than stick around believing something could happen. and it just went into a snowball effect. as im texting her back, my vision is gettin cloudy and im wondering why my screen is wet. low and fucking behold im crying. Seriously Cru? dis ain't you nigga. last time i caught myself crying over a female it was cold, raining, december 2009, and i had a ring in my pocket i didnt have the nerve to pull out.

so clearly i was hurt. i couldnt breathe and i just kept reading the texts over and over again and its like my fingers wouldn't stop asking questions and pressing send. and my world just shattered. i could tell she was trying to make me feel okay about the situation but when u truly love somebody theres no way you can feel okay about losing them. so i turned my phone off and cried myself to sleep. woke up to swollen eyes and questions. i dont wanna answer any questions ppl. if u don't understand it from this blog then u not gon grasp the concept. i was hella sick last night and i just could not understand how i was broken down to this level. seriously like what the fuck is wrong with me.

im heartbroken.

truly heartbroken.

im continuously making the same mistake. falling for the wrong girl. listening to my heart instead of my head. doing what i feel instead of what i know.

i don't wanna fall in love again. i don't wanna love anybody anymore. i don't wanna feel this pain. i don't wanna cry anymore. i don't wanna meet anyone else. i don't wanna talk about it anymore. i just wanna pick myself up and go. just disappear and be a figment of everyones imagination. just look at it like i was never here. i just wanna feel numb. i don't want to hurt anybody. i dont want anybody to have feelings for me. i don't want to be loved.

God just stop the tears.

.on hiatus.

just wanted to tell everybody thanks for ur concerns. its just heartbreak. even the best of us go through it. i honestly just wanna stop crying. my phone has been off all day and i probably will turn it back off after i send out this group message for the blog. i don't feel like talking about it. my moms keeps asking whats wrong and i cant speak without breaking down. i set myself up for it [hard headed]. but i am okay... well as okay as im going to be right now. so please don't send a text or call asking what happened or if im okay. best way to contact me right now is via email

personal: yungcrusay@gmail.com

business: dirtybiznessent@gmail.com

or message me on facebook.

www.facebook.com/Yung.Crusay

at least give me until tomorrow night to try to get my head right cuz my thoughts are just everywhere.

gone to drown myself in Drake.

- Yungin. ((.f.l.h.))

.you could be mine.

you make me crazy. i can't keep you off of my mind. you're the 1st thing when i wake up & the last thing before i knock out. the way you make me feel... incredible. even on my worst day, just to hear your voice, see you smile, or feel your lips against mine... u make me feel like superman.

from the 1st time i saw you i felt like you could be the one. i remember we were sitting in your living room on your couch. You made me nervous, but you were so beautiful. i had never seen a girl like you in person... only in my dreams & on tv. every thing about you was perfect. i walked out rubbing my head thinking "she'll never be into a nigga like me"

and then we started texting. not too much. just enough for you to start calling me your "boo thang" lol. u kept telling me i was a cutie (lol shame how im over here smiling while i think about it). i remember you came over 2 chill. of course i bust out w/ a blacklight session. damn u was lookin good. and of course you know how i am about looking females in their eyes... so you made me stare at you.

you just pulled me in.

its like you hypnotized me.

and here we are 6 months later and you still give me that feeling. u make me feel like im on some Diana Ross "Sweetest Hangover" shit. If theres a cure for this... i don't want it.

no seriously.

the things you do...

the way you make my mind, body & spirit feel...

i told you girl... just to be in your presence is enough. u aint even gotta talk to me.

i laugh cuz you keep telling me you're no good for me. well, im no good for anybody. fuckin' round wit Cru will make a sane girl lose it. it's not intentional. its either i love too hard or not enough. you keep telling me that you're broken and i understand it ma... i do. maybe i can be the one to help put you back together.

you know how how i feel about you (i told you i wouldn't say it tho lol) but this could be something.

we could be something

only time will tell

- Yungin. ((.f.l.h.))

.4th round knockout.

[i know we probably shouldn't be doing this

but i couldn't keep my hands off]

you've been staring all night and i been waiting too long

as many times as i've tried to shake the thought...

i cant

i want you.

i've just been sitting here imagining how sweet you taste

wondering how wet you really are.

how wet are you?

i gotta have you.

not now

RIGHT now

so come out those clothes

im bout to put on a show

where your body is the main stage

ima keep the music low

cuz i wanna hear you scream the deeper i go

let the halls echo as you yell my name

see im not in the mood for any type of soft lovin

im in the mood for round for round straight fuckin

from the bed, to the floor

the dresser, to the wall

i'll give you head on the door

until your knees buckle and you start to fall

dont worry

i got you

just put your legs around my neck i can hold you up

i wont stop even after you've had enough

you might need my asthma pump

cuz what im bout to give you is breath taking

sex at its finest

fuck love making

i've been told what i do should be outlawed

energizer bunny shit

im never on my bummy shit

you can lay down on your stomach miss

from behind is my favorite way to hit

throw it back while you climax

and look back at me

matter of fact face the mirror

you know how i like fuck faces

im tryna take ya body places its never been before

make you scream until you cant no more

i'll rub your body down after...

you might be a little sore

but thats gon be later...

get ready for round 4.

- Yungin. ((.f.l.h.))

.caught in the life.

so many things to be said about this life i live

by now i was hopin to have me a wife w/ kids

well that failed so im fast life-in wit the best of em

models bring they friends im always lookin for the rest of em

bring em all ma lemme put this liquor in you

then take it to the hotel so we all can continue

then i'll sneak out in the morning with no sound

and when u call me i'll be nowhere to be found

some girls i look at as a blessin'

to them life's a teacher & im just another lesson

that they learn while im undressin em they givin me the best of em

then after i hit it they wanna give me whats left of em

nah...

i been hurt too many times by

too many dimes i

cant take the heart break

so instead i just drive by

give them no time i

sometimes think my heart fake

heartbreak Crusay

fuck wat you say

im tryna be better but it ain't that easy

cuz they all easy

but after 1 time they be all on "he say/

she say" im the best for her but she dont deserve me

sometimes i really feel like they all just out to hurt me

honestly i wanna give my heart but im scared to

most girls take me for granted when lend em ear to

talk in when they girl trippin over dumb shit

cheatin kisses then they done quick

what u feelin ma?

i just gave you what your girl couldn't

i do shit anyway knowin that i shouldn't

cuz whats the point of both of us gettin caught up in something

thats truly nothin and im sittin here frontin

like you dont mean shit to me

this is exactly why i think alone is what im meant to be.

- Yungin. ((.f.l.h.))

.so many things.

[take ya shirt off

drop those bottoms too

i wanna see you in nothing but heels

you don't mind if i blind fold you do you?]

let me lead you to the center of my room.

im about to make you the center of attention.

did i mention i brought handcuffs?

[.put ur hands behind your back.]

you exhale with every kiss on your body

i feel you shaking with anticipation wondering where and what part of me will touch you next...

i hear u breathing harder the wetter you get

ima kiss your lips while i rub my fingertips up the inside of your thigh

you're dripping just how i like

what would you do if i tasted you?

i mean...

u cant see me

your hands cant touch me

i could lick you from behind

from the front

against the wall

maybe the door

maybe right here til u explode on my floor

see baby this is only a prelude to an earthquake

im bout to make your earth shake

have u screaming louder the more i tap on ya flood gate

u can scratch me up as your levee starts to break

you can let it out

i don't mind my bed being your lake

this here is sheet clinchin, pillow biting fucking at its finest

i hope these dirty words im whisperin in your ear don't offend

cuz girl this ain't pretend

im tryna knock yo' walls down

get so deep you can't make a sound

baby bend over show me that *singing* pretty round round

u drivin me wild

throw it back on my fingers

no strap needed

slappin ass pullin hair while u screamin

"Cru beat it"

i got you baby

see you came to the right nigga for this here fix

hands only

i don't need my 9 inch

i can be your medicine

what else do u need miss?

im no doctor

but what i prescribed

you gon need some more of this

sex like mary jane

you gon need another hit.

- Yungin. ((.f.l.h.))